I have spent the last few days listening to the sound of my own heartbeat. Normally this would be a comforting sound but after 6 days and 7 nights, I hate it. I detest the sound of my own heart.
Why? I have an ear infection/blocked ears/sinus problem that has knocked me for six. My left ear is totally blocked and my right has permanent feedback hissing in it. In the last few days I have poured more olive oil into my ears than Jamie Oliver drizzles on his pasta. The nurse had two attempts at syringing but nothing is shifting so I am facing another few days in a world of silence, dizziness, nausea and interuppted sleep. I cannot get over how debilitating this is, it is like living in a bubble that you can’t burst, no matter how tempted you are to stick a cotton bud in! The simplest things take hours to do because of the dizziness, I can’t even call anyone because I genuinely cannot hear. It is not funny anymore, so far I have managed to keep it together mentally but it is getting tougher to cope. I am back at the Doctors tomorrow then the Nurse on Tuesday so we will see what happens.
I caught sight of myself in the mirror this morning. I am well into the dragged through a hedge zombie look, my eyes have bags that would cope with a week’s holiday wardrobe, my skin would make a spotty youth feel proud and as for my hair, birds would refuse to nest in it. Believe you me I have tried the pull yourself together thing but the honest truth is I am so tired, I couldn’t care less.
So today I make an attempt to look and feel human and try not to scare anyone at a family christening. Perhaps with a reminder that that heartbeat I can hear means I am alive and kicking in my zombie state. We will see . . .
Apologies if this makes little sense, it was written on my Blackberry.