Ok, so you are standing next to a friend that you have just helped out of an incredibly difficult situation and another friend says to you that was good you were around. How would you react when the friend in need says as a whispered aside “well what else would she do, single, no kids and overweight”?
How would you react to something you were not supposed to hear?
- Walk away without saying anything?
- Burst into tears and say how could you?
- Ignore it and store it away in ah well more crap box?
Me? At the time I put on my big girl pants, took a swig of gin and got on with life. But walking home I started to reflect back on the blog I wrote about others defining you and I think it stunned me that a close friend almost had the same opinion as those women. Part of me wanted to make excuses for her because she has just been through some emotional and physical trauma but at the same time I could not get the nagging doubt out of my head. Slowly but surely my anxiety ridden brain started to go into overdrive and took me back to another conversation. I had gone along to a gym in the city to chum a fellow gymophobe who was about my height but three stone lighter. The girl who showed us around and demonstrated the equipment took great pains to point out the “fat reducing qualities” of each machine and when she did she looked directly at me. I thought I was imagining it at first but when my fellow gymophobe also noticed it, paranoia really set in. (FYI We did complain to the gym and they apologised profusely, I am confident this is not their style so have not published their name)
I would defy even the strongest, most psychologically secure person not to be affected by either of these two incidents. To have someone point out one of things that makes you insecure is a real struggle especially when you have just got your gym mojo back. I have read so many articles and blogs where people have been badly affected or influenced by “what others think” that it is scary to read the results. A marathon runner crippled by anxiety because he overheard another runner criticising his style or the gym goer who having dropped two stone was told by a so called health expert that it “had not made much difference and she needed to diet”, small things do cut deep.
Me? Well should I be honest and say how I reacted or should I just use the #backinthesaddle and get back on it pretending I don’t care. I am choosing honesty because I do care. I spent the last two days hiding under duvet or hoodie to give my head time to recover. Some might say admitting to this and writing this blog is attention seeking, I prefer to think that it is me being honest with myself. In a world where so much advertising is directed to the photoshopped body beautiful and much money is spent on lifestyle eating we all too often ignore our psyche, our thoughts and anxieties and don’t pay attention to what we need. I am a big girl and will get over this blip. For me it takes time out and a coping strategy because since I have got my gym mojo back, I just need to strengthen the old self confidence in my own abilities to get #backinthesaddle spinning or otherwise !
Any road up, if all else fails there is always the big girl pants and gin
PS the people concerned with this blog are aware of it’s content